Not all who wander are lost...

2 days ago

Today, we launched

$5 Christmas Project is moving forward - much earlier this year. And I will admit, I’m a bit freaked out - I feel God saying more and want to honor that. But literally within a few minutes of launch, some things are already falling into place.

I just hope somewhere along the way someone is inspired to do this somewhere else - and that people learn the true meaning of Christmas.

5 days ago

note to self

write about the “over-produced” church - sometime soon

6 days ago

Owl City.

has a new album coming out! Or rather it is out. As soon as I get the money, I’m buying that album. It sounds incredible and it relaxes me. Yes. I am excited.

1 week ago

You never know…

How much you can take until you are pushed to your breaking point…. when you want to wake up from a nightmare that has become a reality. When you open your eyes, you realize that this isn’t a dream - it is actually happening. Then you go into shock - and I’m still in shock…. the last 24 hours have been my nightmare. And my nightmare doesn’t end - it keeps going…. wondering if the same episodes will happen again - and all i desperately want to do is to relax. I want to break free from this stress. My body doesn’t like it, I don’t like it. I have myself together - I know God is in control. But this is still my nightmare.

1 week ago

I love this song…What it means. what it stirs in me… hopefully this is inspiration to you

2 weeks ago

Up late…. can’t sleep…. pondering…

The reality is clear - if college is 28K, there is no way in the world I can afford it - but what does that mean for me personally?

well, i can transfer - graduate later than I wanted to (either summer or one more semester)

I can try to find the money somewhere - that probably won’t happen

or I take a break for a semester, then come back and hope it cost less…

More than that, for the first time in a while I’m actually not at peace with a decision to return to TFC - it has been my home, my campus for years… but maybe my work has been done

Part of me wonders if I did enough - did I leave a legacy or just a trail of broken dreams and broken people…. I think I did a little bit of both. And part of me wonders if anyone will care that I’m gone - I want to believe the answer is yes, but I honestly don’t know.

And i’ll be honest, I wish I would have done last fall differently…. at least I might have still had some friends that reached out - but after stuff went down I disappeared, because I didn’t want to cause any more hurt…. and I didn’t want to make anyone chose sides - so I let it go.

In my immaturity and others as well - we made a mess of something that was good - God created and God ordained. I don’t think God is happy with how anyone handled it - or what the outcome was…. I guess that is God showing me that I need to listen to him - and when I screw up, sometimes he lets that go, but there is punishment later on down the road…. that’s probably not it at all - but just a theory

I still love my friends…. and I miss them - I can’t help but feel a bit of the knife when I want to get ppl together to do something, but no one responds - or even when I see people posting on other’s walls - I don’t get that…. I have been gone for a week and a half from campus and I’ve heard from 3 ppl from TFC - that’s it. I’m not calling anyone out or anything, I just don’t like it - and yes…. you may be thinking why don’t you initiate? Well - its hard to feel like you matter to someone when you are always the one initiating

Please don’t hear me saying that I don’t appreciate my friends - I do…. more than you may know. I just feel like sometimes everyone thinks that because I know so many people or even because I have a ton of friends on facebook that I’m popular and always have people around me…. wrong. I spend most of my time on campus either in class, in my room or working on homework - yeah…. I was never made to be an introvert

I had some huge losses this year personally, gained some friends that I wouldn’t have had, refocused on God, survived, got an F, felt acomplished, started to make amends for things, let go of others - and part of me wonders if the people I let go of even care anymore…. but unfortunatly I can’t hold out hope that things will be different than I have seen… they told me they didn’t want me in their life - so I left…. leaving is never fun my friends.

I guess I refound my curse - the ability to see through the BS and fake smiles and responses - at least I know truth now…. or some of it

Oh yeah, and the whole W/E thing…. its never fun to be manipulated out of a position because you stood for something - and outside I say “whatever” but inside I say “why”

I guess I’m just looking for some friends that will initiate with me - invest in me… actually care - probably thats what I’m looking for - people to care without expecting anything in return. But our generation has lost that - and it is a shame.

But on the bright side, most of this that I’m saying is me over exaggerating my emotions - and I have a big summer ahead with great things and big plans - writing a book, internship, where I will be attending school in the fall, vacation and getting back connected with my friends here - the ones who truly invest and care (and have been for years on end) - God has this…. and everything I have walked through is preparing me for something - and I need to remind myself that God is the biggest part of my life… and when I fall, he doesn’t leave. when I blow up, he calms me. When I walk away, he runs after me, when I fight him, he gently relaxes me, when I screw up, he corrects me, and when I love him, he loves me.

the single most important thing on this planet is your relationship with God, but your relationship with others. Treat others how you treat God and watch what happens - my mind says you may already be doing that. And maybe for a minute allow everything that you believe about yourself to be true is false - find a state of brokenness and let God rebuild you - or are you too scared to let God do that? If you are, I would encourage you to do it anyways - be real, be honest, be open - and let yourself discover who you are. Life isn’t about a list of things to do or to look for, but about doing what God wants - and sometimes just doing something.

I’ve done a lot right and wrong… and every moment has been either great or sucky, but God has used each of them…. i have grown because I chose to try and fail/succeed, I chose to do wrong or right, I chose to be stupid, I chose to blow up, I chose to do whatever it was, but God used it. God guided me, but I had to make that step - You don’t have to stop, just always keep walking

Yep, enough random thoughts - night time for me

2 weeks ago

Change?

So I’m seriously considering transferring from TFC…. but I’m praying about it to see what God may have for me - I just don’t know right now…

If I do transfer, it will be to a state university or something like that - but only if I can still graduate… and it really isn’t because of the profs, but more the money and the environment at times - but mainly the money - I can’t afford 30K (or 28K) for college…. when I started at TFC I paid 16K for the whole year, now I pay that for a semester

so if God is moving me, it is because he wants me to move - but we will see….

btw, as everything on my tumblr this is hush hush - except to you guys who are on here -thats kindof the purpose :)

2 weeks ago

Today..

I heard “Iris” being played over the speakers at a store. It brought a smile to my face - I remember the first time I heard that song and the dance that I shared with my friend.

It was happy and sad at the same time - and I had a choice…. I could either be sad when I was listening to the song or I could be happy about the memory implanted in my head. I chose to be happy - and remember the way that we danced. It was awesome and, if I could use the word, beautiful.

I had a blast - and I actually haven’t danced to that song with anyone since…. meaning that I now miss dancing. I also miss my dance partner. But like all things, I will remember the good times apart from the bad…. the happy times that make me smile- because those are more important

Notes: 1 / 4 weeks ago from teetlebugs

<Rant> Why in the world would this even be something that was considered as cool/fun? Like, i’m on sga and I don’t agree with or condone this…. and I think it is gross. This shouldn’t have been done…I’m just glad I never actually noticed it…. I may have legit thrown up in my mouth…

teetlebugs:

Hmmm a little demonic for a Christian campus. That’s a real pig head. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Lol (Taken with instagram)

1 month ago

Wow…

tonight was rough. I’m left being confused, and not quite sure what to feel.

As a Tech Director, I have a huge responsibility. I’m there to ensure that things go well for the teaching and worship service, and to encourage my team to do better. I work with the most awesome group of people.

But I also have to play the BS of church politics - but when the Pastor decides to openly ream one of my tech’s without talking to me first and do it while they are doing their job, I have a problem. I also have a problem when they tell me they did it on purpose to cause chaos and out of anger.

I have learned under this pastor for years, I have served under this ministry for 5 years. I have never seen this before, and I have always known this side of the pastor existed, but today I saw what I didn’t want to see. It takes a lot to make a tough guy cry, but the pastor managed to do it. And he did it right in the middle of baptisms, the one thing he had just talked about for 30 minutes about how important it was.

I also had to get in his face about it… because that is the only way he will listen to anyone about it. I pretty much told him he had crossed the line and that he was in the wrong, which btw is super hard to tell a pastor of a ministry that you work in and believe in.

I guess tonight that I found that character is displayed in is purest form when in the face of problems. It wasn’t that he was upset that bothers me, I understand that. It wasn’t that he said that it shouldn’t happen - it was that he felt that he should be careless and his ego/voice was more important than the very people being baptized that he had talked about for the past 30 minutes. Tonight, I lost respect and a ton of credibility in a pastor who is going to be over the leadership center I want to be a part of - maybe this is God’s way of showing me that isn’t the way I want to go. I don’t know…. I’ll let God take care of it.

And I know that the only way I got through tonight was by his grace.